Baggage
by ZiverNavyCIS
Summary: "You are a baggage I am willing to undertake." He finally whispered, tightening the grip on her hand. Tony/Ziva one-shot, short tag to "Double Blind" 10x23. Heavy angst.


**A/N: I apologize for my extremely long hiatus, I know that it is not enough, going off like that. But I do sincerely hope that you will forgive me, especially for readers of 10 seconds. I am real busy, I come back from school at 11pm most of the time - plus the mountain of tests and projects, I am really trying to keep up with everything. **

**This is a one-shot I written over a month ago, but it took till now for me to actually feel that it is good enough to be posted. It is inspired by my friend Jess, it wasn't supposed to end this way (sorry Jess) but I am happy with this ending. Read and review! Let me know how this went, it means a whole lot. - Sharmane **

_"I... felt alone"_

It's not how he wanted them to break apart, not over some kind of stupid mistake. Her mistake. Rubbing his hands over his face, he sighed brokenly - loving her meant having his heart bruised and battered.

But it wasn't how he wanted them to break. They weren't together, she could probably sleep with some other guy and it shouldn't affect him at all. It shouldn't, but it did. Few years back, he might have been jealous, over-protective but now, now all he feels is betrayal, hurt shattering his fragile heart. He has grown so attached to her, the hurt was unbearable.

Just the mere thought of her body_ touching_ another man's, her hands on another man's body irked him terribly. Drowning himself in the bottle didn't help at all, the alcohol pulsing through his blood just magnified the pain. He is seeing pieces of her everywhere in his mind. Tony might as well just go drunk, have sex with a random woman on the street for revenge but he can't.

He cannot treat her that way - she may have slept with Adam - but he can't perform that act of betrayal to the woman he loves. And deep down, he knew she didn't do it to spite him, or hurt him but simply because she was grieving.

And he doesn't know how this relationship can be salvaged, it was pushed to the very brink, ripped beyond repair and he's at a loss on how to stitch it back. It's almost as if, eight years of partnership was teetering over the edge of salvation. It may just fall off the cliff - and he don't want that. Ziva is a part of him, no matter what she has done, he can't ever hate her. Ziva is still... his girl. He smiled a little, thinking about Berlin.

The way his arm firmly gripped her waist, his other hand holding hers gently as they swayed to their song. Oh god, that dress highlighted her curves, her muscular well-shaped arms and thighs, he can't tear his eyes off her. Her brown luscious hair, fell in huge curves down her shoulders, accentuating her tanned face. Soft tendrils tucked behind her ears, as her dark gorgeous eyes pierced into his. Batting her long eyelashes, he saw love in those eyes of hers. He bared his soul to her that night, and he knew she bared her soul to his.

Till now, he could still hear the music, he could still feel her waist, he could still feel her smooth fingers. Shutting his eyes momentarily, he could still feel her.

Insistent knocks on the door came pouring in rapidly, and he recognized those knocks. The sound of her knuckles banging his door, threatening to tear his apartment down. He wasn't in a mood to deal with her now, not when he's half sober. But yet, they have to talk through this. Sluggishly getting up, he walked to the door and flung it open.

Maybe he shouldn't have.

Her face, was so filled with guilt. She felt guilty. And Tony cannot stand to see a guilty Ziva, not like this.

She just looks sad. But with this turn of events, both of them were bearing the weight of the world on their shoulders - And they have so much to talk about. So much to repair and heal. But that face of hers stole his words away, leaving him at a complete loss. She averted his gaze, and shifted a tad bit awkwardly.

"We need to talk." She stiffened when she smelt alcohol. "You have been drinking." She spoke curtly, and the tension between them increased by a notch. Putting her hands into the pockets of her coat, she awaited for his reply whilst holding back from breaking down. Finally, she looked up and met his gaze.

Maybe she shouldn't have.

She saw hurt. And she wants to fix all of this. She wants to fix them. She wants to go back to the way they were, and she couldn't even define what "were" is. What is "were"? After her albeit unwilling confession, they weren't the same. He couldn't look at her and she couldn't look at him. Which was why, she was surprised that he opened the door and stared at her with anger and agony. It was jarring to not have him look at her ever since he found out about Adam. Jarring. He refrains from looking at her and she can't stand it - they were partners and they function as one - the looks were just a form of communication.

They were always close, bodies or shoulders talking and now... they were steps apart.

Steps apart from being _nothing._

"Yes, I have. You know why." His voice was little raised, and she could detect that anger lacing it. His lips pressed tightly, he stood unwavering in his position. Licking her lips a little, her heart twinged. She came her to mend their broken friendship. Is it friendship? She doesn't know, she honestly doesn't have a clue.

"I do. I came here to explain myself." Her hands out of those pockets, out of her comfort zone - she wanted to reach for his hand - to close the psychological distance between them but he took a step back. Her hands lingered there and she slowly put them down as her eyes fell.

"Tony.. I am sorry. Adam was just a means to an end - it was just sex and nothing more. I was the daughter of a dead man that day - I felt alon-"

"Stop right there." Her breath was caught in her throat as he lifted his hands up as if to stop her from continuing. "Listen to me. I made the extra effort to learn your language, dammit. I told you that you're not alone - you said "I know". You knew, yet what? You went behind my back to _screw_ someone else? It wasn't just the sex, Ziva. It is the fact the I told you that you're not alone, but you _didn't_ seem to know that apparently. "

Now she's the one to interrupt him. Crashing into his words, she interjected harshly, "You weren't there. It was just sex. One night, and it was over." Her voice had the tone of finality in it.

"One night, and now, we are _over._" His eyes narrowed, as venom filled his words.

"Are we?" She challenged him, moving in closer. This time, he didn't pull back but he stood tall, making his stand. They could feel the close proximity between them now and how bad things are between them both. Silence hung on.

"You tell me, Ziva. You tell me if we're over after you went behind my back. I thought that you knew that I am always here for you - that you will never alone. You promised that you knew." He broke the silence, paving the way for the conversation. Her eyes burnt his soul as he swallowed audibly, the tension filling his veins.

"I know. You're angry that I did that with Adam. I know that I wasn't alone - but you meant that as a capacity of a friend. So should what I have done in Israel matter? Should it cause frictions between us?"

He gave her a muted glare. This time, he has no words left to retort her. They were more than friends - that he thought that it was clear. Was it?

"You do not have the right to be angry." She said softly yet with a strident to it. "Tony, before I left for the airport, I told you that I know. I remembered you, Tony. I didn't just shove you away, you were in my mind all the time. I know that when I returned, you will have my back. But grief took over me in Israel. I didn't do it because I forgot what you said!"

"I know it was grief. But why did you do it? You knew!"

"What do you truly mean when you said that I wasn't alone? Was it meant as a comforting touch purely because I am your friend - or something else?" She questioned, her tone stinging with some bitterness.

Inhaling a sharp breath he replied on instinct, "Something else." and he continued, "But you didn't know, and I don't get why." His tone softened as anger dissipated. He can't be angry with her when she wasn't aware about what he wants from them. It was his fault too.

There and then, every piece of the puzzle fell into its correct place.

"You can't expect me to wade into your words and expect to know what you want from us back then. You can't expect me to read your words, figure them out. Tony, I ...have been through so many relationship embedded in lies, layers of it. Ray, Michael, my very own father - They all lied."

"But Berlin, Ziva. I know it was after Adam but did you realize that I wanted _more_ from us?" He painfully said, his hands reaching to touch hers briefly before he dropped it. The truth she heard - he wanted more. But was she ready to give more? She hated herself for all these doubts, all these questions.

"I did. I knew the moment we danced. I knew the moment when your fingers reach for mine we held hands - your hand was a perfect fit to mine." This time, she didn't hesitate to grab his hand, slowly, her fingers making somewhat the notion as if they wanted to wield into his and he took it, curling his fingers up too.

"Then the crash happened - Bodnar was all could think about. I am sorry for that Tony... that we never properly discussed Berlin...the crash. I want you to know - I know that you wanted more in Berlin." She doesn't get why but a drop of liquid came falling down as her lips quivered, and that drop fell onto their hands.

"Do you want more?" In an aching solemn voice he asked. It was a question Tony knew she needed to ask herself and a question he wanted an answer to. She stood, mesmerized by the rich timbre of his voice and how he always knew the right questions to prompt her - and also, render her speechless.

Did she want more? Is she ready for more? Frankly, she didn't know.

"Are we ready, for more? Tony, I betrayed your trust. Is that a solid foundation for "more"? This is me, Tony - I have so much baggage. No, I am a baggage." She shook her head slightly, but her eyes never left his moist ones. The room was still.

"You are a baggage I am willing to undertake." He finally whispered, tightening the grip on her hand.

"No, Tony you do not understand." She berated herself for being so wishy-washy, indecisive to this man who just bared his soul to her but she has so much unresolved issues, after all the broken relationships, the tragedies she has been through. If they wanted more, she wants this to be right. She didn't want them to fall.

"Do you remember the night, I slept at your apartment?" She asked, feeling her heart constricting at that memory.

"What does that got to do with anything?" His eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the change of topic, and he wondered if she was trying to avoid the subject.

"That is baggage, Tony. That is what being with me will be like. Why would you want that?" She bit her lip, her heart sinking even further down an abyss because she is not going to make all of this work. He knew that she was referring to the endless nightmares that haunted her, and how she woke up in the morning going all silent.

"Because I want you. And that is the life I am willing to go through, that is the life I want to go through - a life with you. And if that baggage is what that is pulling you back from us becoming something more, I am going to carry it together with you." An inaudible cry escaped her, as Tony confessed with absolute brutal honesty. No one ever told that to her and this.. all his words just tore through another barrier in her heart.

"No one ever wanted to carry this with me. Is that too hasty for you to accept me as a whole completely, as a baggage that pulls you down, Tony?"

"No, it's not hasty at all. It is something I have thought for eight years - this is real, Ziva. I want you. I want us to be something more." He said, as a tear rolled down his cheek and her other hand stretched to wipe it away. There, the truth, that was what she wanted to hear - to hear the sincerity, the love in his voice, to hear that he wanted them to be something beyond friends and partners. She doesn't need to wade through the vague interpretations of his words no longer, she doesn't need to figure out what he wants, what they both wanted. It is all said, he wanted something more and she realized that... she wanted something more too.

"Tony...I cannot thank you enough for being here with me. I'm sorry for being so indecisive, for everything." He understood, everything meant Adam, everything meant holding back. He understood and he was no longer angry with her - it was partially his fault for not realizing that she needed someone to be honest with her, she needed a man to be truthful - and she didn't need to figure things out. He expected her to know but she didn't. He's sorry too.

"No, it is I, who am sorry." He apologized deeply, this time the places reversed when he flashbacked to three years ago, after she was brought home.

"We're both sorry." She said, and hesitated before giving him an answer to their relationship. Relationship is a hard thing to define. "I want us to be more too." A tiny smile curled up, and her eyes twinkled. He grinned a little too - because they talked this through, and they would be okay.

"Ziva, there is something I want to know. Within the _split second_, before the crash changed us - what were you going to say? I need to know because those were the words before things changed between us, before you got all bull headed on Bodnar and before I found out about Adam. Those were the _words left unspoken, words_ -" He paused, searching for the right thing to say, and continued "Those were the words... that were going to be said when you _realized_ I wanted more from you. Words that when you know-" She cut off his words, interjecting, "I know what you mean. I was going to ... invite you to my apartment." Her voice trailed off at the end, as if embarrassed and she almost looked...shy. The tension that once increased by notches, is gone.

He raised his eyebrows because the act of inviting someone to her apartment was a huge thing to Ziva, her apartment was her sacred ground, something that wasn't open to anyone at all. It is like her heart, no one can get through it - unless she lets you in somehow. And he beamed, for that she wanted to let him in. That's all he needed to know.

"Well, is that invitation still open?" He joked, not really expecting an answer since that was before the crash.

"Yes, it is." She grinned widely, "It is still open. It is still open, now, in fact. It is just the matter of whether you're willing or not." Smirking, a coy smile on her face - her fingers still intertwined with his - she pulled him out of his apartment without a question. "You will have everything you need there" Whispering into his ear, she giggled.

"You are all I need, Ziva." He spoke with truth and love, and her eyes brightened up.

**A/N: Leave a review on how this was? **


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